At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down! We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!


(Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! )


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.


1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Great find Jet.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems
OK,
but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her
up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old
woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they
treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies.
"Except they won't let you fart."

LOLOL HAHAHA that is funny!

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off
to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was
cruising along the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his
Pope mobile when suddenly he notices a frantic
commotion just off shore.

There was John Kerry struggling frantically to free
himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the Pope
watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with
two men aboard. One of the men, President George W.
Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side
while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding,
semiconscious John Kerry from the water. Then using
(autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the
two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it into
the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the
beach. "I give you my blessings for your brave
actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some
bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry,
but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not
true"

As the Pope drove off, Dick asked President Bush "Who
was that?"

"It was the Pope," George replied. "He is in direct
contact with God and has all of God's wisdom."

"Well," Dick said, "he may have access to God's
wisdom, but he doesn't know squat about shark
fishing................how's the bait holding up

What's the difference between Louis Armstrong and Micheal Jackson?

Louis Armstrong played the trumpet.

Micheal Jackson fucks little boys.

THE LONE RANGER
Submitted by Rich - Haviland Saw Mill

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In
honor
of
the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I
kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
whispers
in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver
returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and
spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to
him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this
time with a voluptuous brunette, even more gorgeous than the beautiful
blonde.She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and also spends the night. The
following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

"You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you
tomorrow.
"What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse,........alone."

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone
Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks
him
square in the eye and says, "Listen .



very





CAREFULLY





for





the





last





time





I said.....





"Bring POSSE!"

HAAHAHAAAHAHAHA :lol: :lol: That is great!

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you
$800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob
hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel
and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband
asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to
credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to
prevent avoidable exposure.

************************************************** *********

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on
her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up
Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

************************************************** ****

Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me
first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!"
says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with
my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of
my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the
manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after
lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

************************************************** *********

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked
him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow
answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and
rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting very high up.

************************************************** *********

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're
packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.

That first one is hilarious!!!

Lesson 5 is the shit! No pun intended!

A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner."This bike is beautiful! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.

"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.

The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a Harley fan).

That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents' house. It's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says, "I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quiet.

So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.

"Her Mom's kinda cute", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.

Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it's starting to rain. He figures he'd better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father stands up and shouts: "All right, all right! I'll do the damn dishes."


CRAIG

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."


CRAIG

It is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the father sighs and comments, "to think that right here used to be the Twin Towers..."

The son, not understanding, asks his father "What are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001, when the Arabs destroyed them."

The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And what are the Arabs?"


CRAIG

A guy named Justin gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. Justin looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver whos name is Craig says to Justin, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." Justin says that he'd love to know, so Craig tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you."

Justin decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying, Justin jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. Justin agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After Justin finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the guy from the bus!!"

Then Craig jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!"

CRAIG

Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
directions: read these outloud


(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift

(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat



(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?

(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?



See me A.S.A.P.

Kum Hia Nao




Stupid Man

Dum Gai




Small Horse

Tai Ni Po Ni




Did you go to the beach?

Wai Yu So Tan?




I bumped into a coffee table

Ai Bang Mai Ni




It's very dark in here

Wai So Dim




This is a tow away zone

No Pah King




You are not very bright

Yu So Dum




I got this for free

Ai No Pei




I am not guilty!

Wai Hang Mi?




Please stay a while longer

Wai Go Nao?




They have arrived

Hai Dei Kum.




Stay out of sight

Lei Lo




He's cleaning his automobile

Wa Sing Ka.




Your body odor is offensive

Yu Stin Ki




I thought you were on a diet?

Wai Yu Mun Ching?


CRAIG

OK I AM DONE NOW. LOL.

It's all so true

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Three men died and stood in front of God.
God asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. He admitted
to two affairs during his marriage. God gave him a compact car to drive in heaven.

The second man admitted to only an affair and was given a midsize car.

The third man was asked the same question and said that he had been faithful to his wife until the day he died. God praised him and gave him a
big luxury car.
A week later the three guys met in a parking lot. The man driving
the luxury car began to cry.

"What's the matter?"

"I just passed my wife, and she was riding a bike!"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o' this.

I'm drunk and me knees are killing' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

LOL, that' funny & gross at the same time. :D