Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts
and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

:rollinglaugh:

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Lmao!!!!! that was good

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:rollinglaugh: Awesome!!!!

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Anonymous source:

"After the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I noticed numerous bad jokes on the Internet by people defaming Cajuns as `not too smart'.
Let me state categorically that I completely disagree with that assessment.
Anybody who builds a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fills it with Democrats is a genius."

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Lol!

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:D Nice!

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Hahahahahahahahaha

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Today's word is: Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line..There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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Lmao

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lmao!! good one.

--------

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would
be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Read this on another forum and had to share:

While walking down the street one day, a Politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high ranking official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Politician.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the Politician answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Politician and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

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LOL thats good.

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Guy turns round to his wife and says "darling, I love you, I want you tell me something bittersweet, something both happy AND sad.."

she looks into his eyes.. thinks for a minute.. and says..






"Well, you've got a bigger dick than your brother.."

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a young man, joe, opens up a store in a strip mall. business is good and hes really making bank.. well, next thing you know a new business competitor opens up right next door to joe with a big sign that read: "BEST DEALS". the new store brings joe's prices down and really steals his thunder. next thing you know another competitor opens up on THE OTHER SIDE of joe's--with an even bigger sign that said "LOWEST PRICES". Joe starts to realize he's in a bit of a pickle and considers selling the store to make even-- THEN! a bright idea comes to joe-- he puts up the biggest sign of all: MAIN ENTRANCE.

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"Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist when the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?’

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'


The interview abruptly ended."

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Ted Nugent = Win

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The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

http://lh5.ggpht.com/_Zn5uDOE-S5Q/S8...0/ATT00009.gif

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^^^ win!:rollinglaugh:

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here is one. don't know if this one been taken or not but here goes..

4 guys working in a factory, 1 asian guy, 1 black guy, 1 mexican guy, and 1 white guy. The white guy was the supervisor of the three and wanted the black guy to sort up all the boxes on the shelf, then he wanted the mexican guy to clean, and wanted the asian guy to go down stairs to the basement and get more supplies, because they wanted to get ready for the big boss inspection the next day. So they all went and do there own thing. Hours pass and they didn't see the asian guy come back with any supplies. The white supervisor went and ask the black guy to see if he seen the asian guy and the black guy reply no, he then went and ask the mexican cleaner and he to said no.. Hours pass by again and it was the last minute of the long 10 hour day for them. All of them came in the lunch room to punch out and the white supervisor ask the other two guys if they seen the asian guy and they both said no again and punched out. Then the supervisor begin to wonder if the asian guy quit or not or just left home for the day. The next day came around and the big boss was there to inspect the place and every thing checked out good but there was no extra supplies.. So he got mad and told the white supervisor that they did a bad job with putting up new supplies like he order and the boss himself will have to go and get the supplies to restock himself. So the boss went down stairs turns on the light and out of no where the asian guy jumps out of a dark corner yelling supplies, supplies....

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play,‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

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^^ :lol: ^^

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Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.

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^^:rollinglaugh:^^

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Baptist Upbringing!!

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them..

Recalling my old pastor, Brother Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person.

http://lh6.ggpht.com/_Zn5uDOE-S5Q/S9...mage001111.jpg

So I did, and my wife reached out and touched me.

http://lh5.ggpht.com/_Zn5uDOE-S5Q/S9.../image0022.jpg

I won't be at church this week ..

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FIRST TIME SEX .............


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was the pharmacist.'

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WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked; and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

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^^^ Matt D, you just won this thread.

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Spaz quit kissing ass.

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LOL thats pretty good Matt :D

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:rollinglaugh: That's awesome Matt.

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash .
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------





HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

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^^LMFAO^^ :rollinglaugh:

This one's a link because it's long. It is work safe, no naughty pictures and no audio.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_dec20...eCarWrecks.htm

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

LMAO, I like that shower one

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A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1.5 million) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Re: Official Joke Thread!
 

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.






























http://www.chandlerswatch.com/wp-con...west-Mar08.jpg





:rollinglaugh:

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Two anti american protesters were boarding a flight from london one had the window seat and the other had the center seat. The aisle seat had a U.S marine in the seat heading back to the states, after they take off the marine kicks off his shoes to relax. A few hours into the flight the man at the window seat said he needed to get out to get a coke. The marine said "No no sit ill grab it for you." So the marine gets up goes to the back of the plane to get a coke. As he is doing so The protester grabs one of the marines shoes and spits in it. When the marine gets back the man in the center seat says "man that looks good will you get me one?" the marine smiles and say "Sure." As he goes back to grab the coke the other man spits in his other shoe. The marine returns and give him his coke, then sits back down to enjoy the rest of the flight. The plane then lands and the marine puts on his shoes and he immediately feels the spit in his shoes. He rolls his eyes and look at the two men and says " Why Do we have to be so hostile to each other, Spit in shoes and piss in cokes?"

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4 Catholic men and a Catholic Woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh, My God."

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I actually had tears come to my eyes, when laughing at the guy section of the shower joke LMFAO..hahaha. Why? Because its pretty god damn true hahahaha.

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A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”























































The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”