what do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese |
HAHAHAHA.
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THE JEWLERS A white haired man walked into a jeweller’s shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said. The jeweller looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000. "I don't think you understand. I want something very unique," he said. At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe. "Here's one stunning ring at $40,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it. "How are you paying?" "I'll pay by check, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday." Monday morning a very pissed off jeweller phones the man." You bastard, you lied there's no money in that account." "I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?" *********** SOME BLONDE JOKES FOR A CHANGE SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ EXPOSURE A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why officer?" "Because your breast is hanging out." he says. She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~ RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side." ~~~~~~~~~~ KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, he trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S! A SCARF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "we were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ HOT DOGS A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "Helooooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!" *********** |
This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.
In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class. However, as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't, taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat! |
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awsome
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Whoa...those are some great jokes. I havent had a good laugh this whole day...hahaha. Too bad there's no more jokes to read...darn!
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AHahahaha :banana:
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:bounce: :lol: :bounce:
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Oooooooooh, my wife is going to be pissed at you. :bounce:
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:lol: Well now, can't comment, am being attacked for laughing....
:lol: :lol: :lol: painfully funny !Warning do not read with brunette girlfriend! |
The Dachshund
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all! Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weiner dog." |
:lol: That rocks :lol:
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Here are a few quotes off a site:
What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme What is the definition of "making love"? Something a woman does while a guy is having sex. If the dove is the bird of peace, then bird of true love must be the swallow. When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like grandfather. Not screaming, like the passengers in his car. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film. Here I sit, I'm at a loss trying to shit out taco sauce. When it comes, I hope and pray, I don't blow my ass away. |
The Explanation of Life ...
On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You've got a deal." So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you |
Thats a good one E. haha
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A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya? The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies. So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse. The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, Are you trying to call me a horse's ass? The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass. The trooper says, Well that's a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though. |
30 Years difference
1973: Long hair 2003: Longing for hair 1973: KEG 2003: EKG 1973: Acid rock 2003: Acid reflux 1973: Moving to California because it's cool 2003: Moving to California because it's warm 1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1973: Seeds and stems 2003: Roughage 1973: Hoping for a BMW 2003: Hoping for a BM 1973: The Grateful Dead 2003: Dr. Kevorkian 1973: Going to a new, hip joint 2003: Receiving a new hip joint 1973: Rolling Stones 2003: Kidney Stones 1973: Being called into the principal's office 2003: Calling the principal's office 1973: Screw the system 2003: Upgrade the system 1973: Disco 2003: Costco 1973: Parents bing you to get your hair cut 2003: Children bing you to get their heads shaved 1973: Passing the drivers' test 2003: Passing the vision test 1973: Whatever 2003: Depends |
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