Scaring the kids


A blonde gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she says.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the man.

She rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing her four-year-old son comes up and says,
`Mommy! Mommy! Jody the babysitter's hiding in your wardrobe and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past her screaming husband and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is the babysitter, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor.

'You bitch,' yells the blonde, 'my husband's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!'

A young blonde woman in East Dubuque, Illinois was so
depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like,I can stow youaway on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?"the captain asked. I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Diamond Joe Casino, and we never leave Dubuque, Iowa."

haha! :lol:

hahahahahahahahaha :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

:lol: Those are all great jokes!!! :lol:

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR!!!!"

CRAIG

This is kinda old but....

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family farm.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the family farm, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the
bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's family farm, inspects the bull, and
decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for
$599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram
to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our family farm. I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul
it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul
that bull back to your family farm if you send her just the word
"comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big.

She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA :lol:

Blonde Revenge

It has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and have decided to take revenge on the brunettes :slap:



WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE?
Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE?
No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS?
So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES?
Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL?
"Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY?
The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE?
A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES?
Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR?
It matches their mustache

KNOW WHO INVENTED BLONDE JOKES?
Brunettes, they had nothing better to do on Friday or Saturday nights

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you, I have some
Texans up here in Heaven who are causing some problems. They are
swinging on the Pearly Gates, my horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all
over their robes, ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones are all over
the streets of Gold. Some folks are walking around with one wing.

They have been late taking their turn in keeping the stairway to heaven
clean. There are watermelon seeds all over the clouds. Some of them
aren't even wearing their halos, saying it is messing up their hair."

The Lord said, "I made them special, as I did you, my angel. Heaven is
home to all my children. If you really want to know about problems,
let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Hold on."

The Devil returned to the phone and said, "Hello Lord, what can I do
for
you?"

The Lord replied, "Tell me what kind of problems you are having down
there."

The Devil said, "Wait one minute," and puts the Lord on hold. After 5
minutes he returned to the phone, and said "Okay, I'm back.

What was the question?"

The Lord said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?"

The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this..... hold on, Lord."
This time the Devil was gone for 15 minutes.

The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Lord, I can't talk right now.
These Texans done put the fire out, and are trying to install air
conditioning!"

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool
and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately
falls
absolutely quiet. In a very deep, huskyvoice, the woman next to him
says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, think it is just fair - given that you
are
blind - that you should know five things:
1. - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. - Th e bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. - I'm a 6ft tall, 200lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is professional
weightlifter.
5. - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that
joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah,
not
if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

:lol: :lol:

:cheers:

John walks into a bar. He is two steps in and realizes it's a gay
bar. He decides that he really wants a drink, so what the heck.
As Patrick, the gay waiter, approached John, he asks John,
"What's the name of your penis?"
John says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."
Patrick says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the
name of your penis. For instance, mine is called
"Nike", for the slogan "Just do it", That guy down at the end of the bar calls his "Snickers" because "it really satisfies."
John looked dumbfounded, so Patrick tells him he will give him a
minute to think it over. So John turns to the man sipping a
beer to his left, ask's, "Hey bud, what's the name of your
penis?"
The man smiles, looks over, and says, "TIMEX." John asks, "Why
Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps
on tickin'." A little shaken, John turns to the fella on his right sipping a fruity margarita. "So, what do you call your penis"?
That man turns to John and proudly exclaims, "FORD," because
quality is Job 1"! Then adds, "Have you driven a
Ford lately?" Even more shaken, John thinks for a moment before
he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to Patrick and exclaims. "The name of my penis is Secret! Now give me a beer!!"
Patrick begins to pour John's beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
"Why Secret?" John says,
"STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!"

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Ottawa where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you
cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love, kids.
The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's
further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the
woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!"
And again she headsup another flight

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again."

thats great :lol:

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching th e roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I s hould bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-yea r-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."