Official Joke Thread!
 

Grandma & grandpa are sitting on the porch enjoying a cool summer breeze when grandma turns to grandpa and punches him dead in the mouth and knocks him right off the porch. Grandpa picks himself up and dust himself off while asking "Damn woman, what the hell was that for?". Grandma looks over at him and says "That was for having a small penis!" Grandpa sits back down on the porch and says nothing for a few minutes. Then he looks over at grandma and punches her so hard in the face she falls backwards out of her rocker. Startled, grandma gets up and ask "What the hell was that for?". Grandpa answers "That was for knowing they come in different sizes!" :P :bounce: :P

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between
us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I am sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his
buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky

BEDROOM FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the **** was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

:lol: OMG those are hilarious!!! :lol:

:lol: :bounce: :P :bounce: :lol:

LOL those are great! Fart football was awesome but gross. :P

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is
014
266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from
the
National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much
will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $
49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is
over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last
year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing
loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw
Some
cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily
limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How
long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What !"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a
Scooter,...registration number E1123..."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
You
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles
of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
diabetic.......

Blondes vs. Brunettes
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of
them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them
with white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says,

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

LET THE WOMEN DO IT!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause, train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.

We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

At a doctors convenyion in Switzerland,A conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person and put it in another, and have him looking for work in 5 weeks."

A German doctor said "Thats nothing! IN germany, We could take a lung out of one person, Put it in another and have them looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, Medicine is so advanced that we could take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "hah! We can take an A**HOLE out of Arkansas, Put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!!"

The Tragic Results of a Man Not Listening to a Woman. Or Why Don't Men Quit While They Are Ahead?
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door it was occupied. The stewardess , awareof his predicament, sugested he use the ladies room, But caustioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW","WA","PP", and "ATR".

Making the fateful mistake so many men in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, The man let his curiousity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediatly warm water sprayed over his entire bottom. He thought, Golly the girls really have it made. Still curious, He pressed the button marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom quickly. He thought, That was out of this world. The button "PP", Yielded a large powder puff which powdered his bottom lightly with powder. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital, He panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, He cried out, What happened? "The last thing I remember was in the ladies' room aboard a plane". The nurse Replied, "Yes, You were having a great time until you pressed the button "ATR", Which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your peni* is under your pillow.

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually
admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.

Three friends all died and went to heaven at the same time. Saint Peter
meet them at the gates and said to one of them "welcome to Heaven! here
is your reward." after saying that Saint Peter immediately handcuffed
him to a extremely unattractive woman. "Saint Peter! why is this my
heavenly reward?" the man asked?
Saint Peter replied, "when you were five you killed a bird with a
stone." Saint Peter then turned to the next guy and did the exact same
thing for the exact same reason. He was asked the same question and
answered the same. finally he turned to the third guy and said, "Welcome
to Heaven! Here is your reward." the third man was immediately
handcuffed to a beautiful girl. extremely happy the man walked off. the
other two men, who had stuck around to see what their friends fate was,
were outraged. "How come he gets a beautiful girl and were stuck with
these? We can name a few things that he did that were worse than ours!"
Saint Peter said, "When she was five she killed a bird with a stone."

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost".

Some Blonde jokes for non-blondes to enjoy!!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A: Thanks Guys.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's *** ?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

DAMN, Allan must have taken his Geritol today :razz2:

Hey guys, did ya'll know that Sears is having a sale called,
'The Michael Jackson Sale'?.....yea, all little boys' pants half off

How can you tell the difference between a blonde male and a blonde female?

The female has a higher sperm count.

HAHAHAHAHA

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

There was a married couple at home and the husband was calling it a night and climbing into bed. His wife had a better idea so she runs outta the bathroom buck naked and jumps onto the bed and shouts "SUPER PUSSY". Her husband looks up at her and replies "ehh... i'll take the soup"

I don't get it... Its funny that she said SUPER PUSSY but other than that i don't get it.. :stick:

Soup OR Pussy.....super pussy.....get it?

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why the hell did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?"


The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."


-----

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back.

"I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah... My wife!"
--------

Steve loved his wife Wendy so much he had her name tatooed onto his penis. When he was soft all you could see was the WY, but when he had a hard on you could read her full name Wendy. One day while Steve and Wendy were in Jamaica on vacation steve had to visit the bathroom. While standing at the urinal he looks at the man next to him and notices that this man has a tatto on his dick as well. Amazingly he sees WY on this guys dick as well. Steve says, " Hey buddy I'm sorry but I couldn't help but notice that you've got WY tattooed on your Dick as well. When I'm hard my tattoo shows my wife's name Wendy. What does yours say?" The local replied, "Welcome to Jamaica have a nice day"!!!

Q: What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: "See you next month"


-----


What did they call lesbians in mid-evil times?
Fur traders.


-----


Jane was a first time contestant on a $65,000 quiz show. Lady Luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had gained a substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. She was nervous as her husband drove them home.


"I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers were. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."


'Relax honey,' her husband, Roger, reassured her. 'It will all be OK.'


Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.


'Where are you going?' Jane asked.


'I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon.'


After an agonizing three hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin.


'Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer.'


'What is it?' she cried excitedly.


'OK, the question is, "What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?"

And the answer is, "The head, the heart and the penis."'


The couple went to sleep with Jane now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber. At 3.30 am, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question.


'The head, the heart, the penis,' Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.


Roger asked her again in the morning as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again she replied correctly.


So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies.


The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous day's events, faced Jane and asked the big question.


'Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds.'


'Hmmm, uhm, the head? She said nervously.

'Very good. Six seconds.'


'Eh, uh, the heart?

'Very good. Four seconds.'


'I, uhh, ooooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning... '


'That's close enough,' said the game show host, 'Congratulations!'

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
hahahahahahaha

PUSSY soup? yeah so i don't know...

No, the husband heard her say Soup OR Pussy.... so he said he'd take the soup. He didn't hear her say SUPER PUSSY. Get it? Geesh, am I the only one who can understand a pussy joke? :razz2:

:stupid: :slap:

wow man, all u can think about is pussy? i bet u haven't found the dolphins yet in my avatar huh? j/k man, im just messin. anyway ya, i didn't realise my joke sucked so bad. my apologies

Usally im all about the penis and pussie jokes but that one doesn't make me laugh..

:woowoo:

1- I was thinking about one of the status symbols of today -- those pagers that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
2- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

3- I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

4- I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

5- I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease...that's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

6- You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

7- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

8- Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write..........
A Good Doctor!

9- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

10-I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they are cramming for their finals

A couple brings their daughter to the office of an old southern doctor,and ask to speak in private to him about her.What's the problem the old doc asks?Well doc, the mother replies,our daughter is nearly 20 and nobody has ever asked her out on a date.The old doc says,well what do you want me to do?Well,the father repies,we think maybe our daugter has cronic bad breath or B.O. or something that's keeping her from getting dates.And we want you to examine her and see if you can figure out what it is?The old doc reluctantly agrees to see the girl and try to ease the worried parents minds.They go and get the girl, and the doc calls her into the examining room.
He looks at the girl,with a serious look on his face,muttering UH HMMM ,UH HMMM.He tells the girl to undress.She does and once again he looks and mutters UH HMM,UH HMM.He tells her to turn her back to him,and bend over.She does,and he says bend all the way over and look at me from in between your legs.She does as he says.AHHH HA!!! He exclaims!!I know what your problem is,you get dressed and I'll go talk to your folks.

The old doc goes to where the worried parents are seated and says,Ive figured out what the problem is with your daughter.OHH!! THANK HEAVENS!!,they exclaim. What is it they ask? Well, I'm afraid your daughter suffers from "Zactly" disease.OH!!NO!!What is "Zactly" disease,they ask?The old doc says,Well,I'm afraid your daughters face looks"Zactly" like her a$$.

=============================================

Nun Goes Fishing
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish. A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!" The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain." The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish." The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught." Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that." The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught." Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like that!" Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish." Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish." In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...

"I LIKE THIS F***ING PLACE ALREADY!

=============================================

Top 16 Bumper Stickers You Would Like To See



Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an a$$hole.



Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings,"



The proctologist called
...they found your head.



Everyone has a photographic memory
...some just don't have any film.



Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.



Your ridiculous little
opinion has been noted.


I used to have a handle
on life...but it broke off.


WANTED: Meaningful
overnight relationship.



Hey...just because you have one,
doesn't mean you have to be one.



Some people just don't know how to drive...
I call these people "Everybody But Me,"



Don't like my driving?
Then quit watching me.



If you can read this...I can
slam on my brakes and sue you.


Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.


Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.


Hang up and drive!!

And The Number One Bumper Sticker you'd Like To See!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to America
...now speak English

:lol:

Here is one I heard off 93x a while ago. You may have heard it but I will post it anyhow:

Q-How do you know you are at a gay BBQ?
A-The brots taste like shit

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Why men die first is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries,
but now we know:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat
race, you're a male chauvinist; if you stay home and do the housework,
you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work
enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation;
if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your lazy behind and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism; if she gets a
job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment; if you keep
quiet it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp; if you don't, you're an insensitive dolt.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if
she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination; if
she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert; if you don't, you're oh snap.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist;
if you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain; if you don't, you're
a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something; if you don't, you're
not
thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself; if you
aren't you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired; if you have a headache, you don't
love her anymore.

Men die first because they want to.

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway
when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....

It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and
drives on without second thought......

Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are
for real....

Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into
the drive....

On the far side of the parking lot is a stone
building with a small sign
next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell....

The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit
who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and
was interested in possibly doing business.".....

"Very well, my son. Please follow me." .....

He is led through many winding passages and is soon
quite disoriented....

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
" Please knock on this door".............

He does as he is told and another nun in a long
habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup,
then go through the large wooden door at the end of
this hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the
second nuns cup.....

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the
door, pulling it shut behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back
in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED
BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Those were good Enes