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Dear Diary:
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although
I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team
15 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
a try.
Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased
with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at
the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was
something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile.
Woo Hoo!!!!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful
way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
Very inspiring.
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the
air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for
me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long
as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my
screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too
perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this
nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told
me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other
**** too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed
as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I
couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie
my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she
was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to
find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I
sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my
body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
*&%#(#&**!!@*@ Barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the
drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing
her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I
lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching
eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next
year, my wife (the *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy.
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