Some jokes for everyone
-You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
-At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
-A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
-When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
-A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
-A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."
-A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."
-Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
-Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
-If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
-Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
-First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."
-A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.
-One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "
University of Oklahoma."
-A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what ! do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!
-Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
-Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? !
A: Trustworthy.
-Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
-Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
-Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
-Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
-Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."