Official Joke Thread!

[TheBlizzard]

Here is a few good jokes for you guys:

How do you know you're in a church that welcome homosexuals?
-Only half the congregation kneels and prays.

A blonde decided to rent her first porno. She went to the video store and picked out a tape that sound sexy and brought it home. Once at home she removed all her clothes and put the tape in the VCR. When nothing appeared on the screen except static she called the video store and complained saying "I just rented a porno from and theres nothing on the tape but static" The clerk said " Sorry about that, what movie is it?" The blonde replied "Head Cleaners."

Two guys were hiking up a mountain when they came upon some people bungee jumping. Once said to another, "how about it?" The other replied, "no way, I came into this world from a broken rubber and I am not leaving the same way."

A man walked into a sex shop and asked the clerk for a blow up doll. The clerk asked "christian or muslim?" The man said "whats the difference" the clerk repied "the muslim one blow her self up."

CRAIG

[AJ]

What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?





































The entire front row at an Ashlee Simpson concert.

[DSMPARTSGURU]

why did the cookie go to the doctor??????












HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY......

HAHAHA

[Raptor]

Wait, I get it! Hahahahaha, that is funny! Feeling Crummy! hahahahahahah!

[FattyBoomBatty]

so, this japanese guy jumps out of the closet and yells, "SUPLIES!"

[Onefast99gsx]

People around my area know how much I hate the current heat streak we're having here. Thought i would share this with you.



Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is

beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.



June 14th:



Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure

to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.



June 30th:



Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus

and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for

me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.



July 10th:



The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get

used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of breezy, though.

But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.



July 15th:



Fell asleep by the community pool - got 3rd degree burns over 60% of

my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned

my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.



July 20th:



I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this

morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died

and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water

balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and *****. I learned my

lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes

again.



July 25th:



The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's

hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC

repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order

parts.



July 30th:



Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house

and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever

come here?



Aug. 4th:



It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It

cost $500 and only gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this

stupid state.



Aug. 8th:



If another wise *** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to

strangle him. Damned heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator

is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked

cat!!



Aug. 9th:



Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on

the seats in the car, I thought my *** was on fire. My skin melted to

the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my

legs and *** ... Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ***, AND

baked cat.



Aug 10th:



The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2

damned months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next

week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will

be next, so my $1,700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.



Aug. 14th:



Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the

car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you

today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Bet

that glass man will never ask THAT question, again !!! Will write

later to let you know how my trial goes.

Freaking Arizona!!! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to

live here in the summertime??? Now I know why all those old folks head

back up north every May!!!

[JET]

Australians are too funny.......
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Jacek]

Those aren't real, they are just jokes. The funny thing is that the log books have stupid shit like that all the time. Whats even worse is that the flight attendants get their own log books.. The jokes are great though

[INTRIGUED]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

[Jakey]

A cowboy was herding cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not."



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area into a high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex calculations, then uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his hi tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.



He watches the young man select on of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, why not?"



"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." the cowboy says.



"Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you know?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business.....



.....Now give me back my dog!"

[Jakey]

More proof that gasoline prices are out of control:

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars
worth of gas.
The guy farted, took my five and walked away.

[Jana]

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse.

It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

That read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing.

It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

[dsmfanatic]

alright no offence to black people but.

there was a black guy at thebus station waiting for the bus and he really needed to take a shit, he doesnt want to leave because he might miss the bus so he takes it right where he was standing. a couple minutes later the bus comes by and the bus driver says to the man with the poop next to him " it will be 1 dollar for you and 50 cents for your little brother"

[dsmfanatic]

lol

[Talian]

Blonde Joke

Three women visit Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail,
only to find that they are to be executed in the morning. None of them
can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is
asked if she has any last words. She says, "I'm from Grace University
and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the
innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all
immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of
justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the
switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately
prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the
University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical
Engineering and I'll tell you right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute
nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[Talian]

Some jokes for everyone

-You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

-At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

-A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

-When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

-A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

-A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

-A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

-Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

-Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

-If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

-Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

-First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

-A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

-One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

-A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

-"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what ! do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

-He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

-Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

-A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!

-Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

-Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? !

A: Trustworthy.

-Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

-Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

-Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

-Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

[Talian]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble
with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry,
what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My
sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher
explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy
a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She
agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal
thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him
some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of
that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such
a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps
into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T,
is hairy,oval,delicious and contains thin,whitish
liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging
open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then
comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he
could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a
woman does sitting down and a dog does on three
legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends
in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last
seven questions wrong....

[Talian]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,
wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real
passion fruit.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in
a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Pee.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Rinse off and get out of shower.
Avoid bathmat.

Dry off forearms and butt only.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
woo-woo' sound again.! ; Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something so very wrong with you.
Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

[EclipseGST]

This may be a repost but its a good one...

How to keep a blond busy. Check it out, too long to post in here.

http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=357274

[EclipseGST]

What does Michael Jackson and caviar have in common?

-----They both come on little crackers.
__________________________________________

Why do tampons have strings?

-----So men can floss when they get done eating.
__________________________________________

What do you call a tampon?

-----Beaver Dam
__________________________________________

Why do gay guys use ribbed condoms?

-----More traction in the mud.
__________________________________________

Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

-----The pizza doesnt scream when you put it in the oven.
__________________________________________


-----2 gay guys are having sex when the phone rings. 1 guy jumps up and says hold on, I'll be right back, but whatever you do, dont come. 5 mins later the guy comes back and there is come all over the sheets, head board and the wall. The guy says, "What the hell, I told you not to come." The other guy replies, "I didnt, I farted."