Official Joke Thread!

[Anduinlight]

awsome

[1slowdsm]

Whoa...those are some great jokes. I havent had a good laugh this whole day...hahaha. Too bad there's no more jokes to read...darn!

This is a little older, but I didn't see it posted so....

[1ViciousGSX]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that fuckin' map again."

[Jacek]

thats great

[Jakey]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching th e roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I s hould bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-yea r-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

[Nash]

doctor took new nurse on rounds in first room patient was playing with himself, nurse got embarrased dotcor said guy was ill had virus in groin had to do that several times daily, in next room nurse was bent over bed giveing head, doctor said dont be alarmed same virus better insurance

[Jana]

Originally posted by Nash@Mar 26 2004, 06:37 PM
doctor took new nurse on rounds in first room patient was playing with himself, nurse got embarrased dotcor said guy was ill had virus in groin had to do that several times daily, in next room nurse was bent over bed giveing head, doctor said dont be alarmed same virus better insurance

[john]

Originally posted by Nash@Mar 26 2004, 07:37 PM
doctor took new nurse on rounds in first room patient was playing with himself, nurse got embarrased dotcor said guy was ill had virus in groin had to do that several times daily, in next room nurse was bent over bed giveing head, doctor said dont be alarmed same virus better insurance

cough*punctuation*cough

EDIT: Dont know why in the hell I said grammer the first time.

[john]

I heard this one on 93x:
What do women and dog shit have in common?



The older they are the easier they are to pick up.

[A//// Guy]

Originally posted by 92tsiawd84+Mar 27 2004, 11:00 AM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (92tsiawd84 @ Mar 27 2004, 11:00 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin-Nash@Mar 26 2004, 07:37 PM
doctor took new nurse on rounds in first room patient was playing with himself, nurse got embarrased dotcor said guy was ill had virus in groin had to do that several times daily, in next room nurse was bent over bed giveing head, doctor said dont be alarmed same virus better insurance

cough*grammer*cough [/b][/quote]
Yea I thought that was funnier than the joke! haha jk

[Enes]

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
your pocket.

There are three kinds of men: The ones who learn by reading, the few
who learn by observation, and the rest of them have to pee on the
electric fence.

Good judgment comes from experience and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.

If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

***********
HANGOVER

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side
table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and
sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's
the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices
a note on the table 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to go shopping. Love you.'

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is
a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son
is also at the table, eating.

Bill asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

His son says, 'Well, you came home after 3 A.M.,
drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in
the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when
you stumbled into the door.'

Confused, Bill asks, 'So, why is everything in order and
so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?'

His son replies, 'Oh that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off
you said, 'Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!'

***********
Isn't this the truth........



HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.( ISN'T THIS THE TRUTH ? )

* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,

* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,

* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her, * Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.



HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN




* Show up naked... Bring food... Don't block the TV............




A bit long post but a few good one's

From the movie Natural Born Killers (don't get your panties in a bunch if this isn't word for word)

"Once upon a time, there was a woman out looking for food. She found a snake frozen in the snow, so she took it home and nursed it back to health. The snake eventually bit her on the cheek. While laying on her death bed, the woman looked at the snake and said:
"Why did you do this to me?"
The snake replied, "Look, bitch, you knew I was a snake."

:bounce:

[Enes]

Mrs. Vaccaro comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner, who lives with
a
female roommate Vikki. During the course of the meal, his mother
couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was.

She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and
this
had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while
watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more
between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.

You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Anthony replied, "Well, I doubt
it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Momma,

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, and
I'm
not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has
been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma
which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Momma

Lesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother, especially if she's
Italian!

[Enes]

Giving Blood...

Two blond men were sitting outside a medical clinic. One of them was
crying, tears pouring down his face.

The other blond man asked, "Why are you crying?"

The first one replied, "I came here for a blood test."

The second one asked, "So? What are you crying for? Are you afraid?"

The first guy replied, "No. Not that. During the blood test they cut
off
my finger."

Upon hearing this, the second man began to cry. The first man was
astonished and asked the other, "Why are you crying?"

The second man replied, "I came here for a urine test."

[Enes]

ADDAD

Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.


This is how it manifests:

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that
there is mail on the hall table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can
under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash
first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out
the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I
find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in
the
refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.


I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water
the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water
and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen
table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the
remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide
to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the
flowers.

I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up
the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't
watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find
the
remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.

Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!

[Enes]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
Since he's in a good mood that day, the officer decides he might give
the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So,
he asks the man his name. "Fred," he replies. "Fred what?" the officer
asks. "Just Fred," the man responds. When the officer presses him for a
last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost
it. The cop thinks he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along.
"Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?" The man replies, "It's
a long story, so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, a
funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to
myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized
that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school,
internship, residency, finally got my degree; so I became Fred
Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to
go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through
school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. While
practicing dentistry I started fooling around with my assistant. She
gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA
found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred
Dingaling,
MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS
because of the VD, so they took away my MD, leaving me as Fred
Dingaling
with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred." The
officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[Enes]

There was once a Irishman and an Englishman who lived next door to each
other. The Irishman owned a hen and each morning would look in his
garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg
in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw
the
Englishman pick up the egg. The Irishman ran up to the Englishman and
told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The
Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Irishman said, "In my family
we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the
balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me
in
the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up
quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Irishman found his heaviest
pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran
toward
the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The
Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30
minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Okay, now it's my turn to
kick you."

The Irishman said, "Keep the damn egg."

owned!

[tpunx99GSX]

a guy goes to a whore house and says he wants the best hooker they have... the ladie behind the counter replies "ok you can have sandpaper sally" hes replies "is she good" "yeah shes the best" so he goes in the back room with sandpaper sally and they start fucking and hes like "stop its like chaffing and scratching me!!!" so she gets up and goes to the bathroom and after a little while she comes back and starts fucking him again, this time he finishes and exclaims "DAMN that was fucking awesome, what did you do in the bathroom?" then she replies... "Picked the scaps and let the puss run"