Official Joke Thread!

[A//// Guy]

That is fucking sick.

[AJ]

HAHAHA, sick and wrong but come one it's funny.

[LightningGSX]

This is great, I think I got it from 'Tuners.


I was very happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.
She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.
It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires
for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.
With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[AJ]

HAHAHA I have read that one a long time ago.. Thats funny as hell!

[JDM]

What's the hardest part about rollerblading??


Telling your dad that you're g-a-y!

Are you saying rollerblading is gay? :bs:

:bounce: :bounce:

[JET]

The Dachshund

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.
They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog
fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world
and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female
dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the
litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the
world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 "
thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange
looking animal.

It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because
there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the
Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came
out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the
American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the
Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left of his dog at all!

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't
understand how this could have happened. We had our best people
working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian
wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush.

"We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to
make that alligator look like a weiner dog."

[Emcee gsxtc]

That rocks

[JET]

Here are a few quotes off a site:

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme


What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is having sex.


If the dove is the bird of peace, then bird of true love must be the swallow.


When I die I want to go peacefully, in my sleep, like grandfather.
Not screaming, like the passengers in his car.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.

[Enes]

The Explanation of Life ...

On the first day God created the dog.

God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and
I'll give you back the other ten."

So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey.

God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't
think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed.

On the third day God created the cow.

God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer.
I
will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed again.

On the forth day God created man.

God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you
twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years!

Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and
the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes
eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

[A//// Guy]

Thats a good one E. haha

[AJ]

A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.

So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?

The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.

The trooper says, Well that's a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though.

[AJ]

30 Years difference




1973: Long hair
2003: Longing for hair





1973: KEG
2003: EKG





1973: Acid rock
2003: Acid reflux





1973: Moving to California because it's cool
2003: Moving to California because it's warm





1973: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2003: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor





1973: Seeds and stems
2003: Roughage





1973: Hoping for a BMW
2003: Hoping for a BM





1973: The Grateful Dead
2003: Dr. Kevorkian





1973: Going to a new, hip joint
2003: Receiving a new hip joint





1973: Rolling Stones
2003: Kidney Stones





1973: Being called into the principal's office
2003: Calling the principal's office





1973: Screw the system
2003: Upgrade the system





1973: Disco
2003: Costco





1973: Parents bing you to get your hair cut
2003: Children bing you to get their heads shaved





1973: Passing the drivers' test
2003: Passing the vision test





1973: Whatever
2003: Depends

[1ViciousGSX]

Originally posted by DSMStyle@Sep 3 2004, 11:24 AM
A farmer in Iowa got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer feel uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.

So the farmer says, Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.

The trooper says, Oh, and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?

The farmer says, Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.

The trooper says, Well that's a good thing, and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, Hard to fool them flies though.

hehehehehehe

[JET]

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down! We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!


(Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! )


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.


1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.


1. Crying is blackmail.


1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.


1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.. Really.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this; yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

[unreal808]

Math joke.

[INTRIGUED]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

[IneedaGSX]

Great find Jet.

[Enes]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing
home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next
morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her
in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems
OK,
but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten
her
up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the
other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old
woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they
treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies.
"Except they won't let you fart."