Official Joke Thread!

[1ViciousGSX]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M. , drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. . PRICELESS

[1ViciousGSX]

Hypnotism at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist
exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations.'

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch"

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist.

It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.

[1ViciousGSX]

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00. When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks
the devil why Bush got to call the USA so cheaply. The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

[1QUICK4]

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure the
nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his
clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on
the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him. Upon the completion of the act the
man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs
the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has
an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the vasec is easier for
the surgeon to locate and sever.


The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room. While they are
going down the hall the patient sees six men in a room masterbating furiously.
Curious, the man asks "What the hell, what are they doing in there"?


The nurse responds, "They are getting vasectomies too, but you have Blue
Cross/Blue Shield and they have Obama Care."

[1ViciousGSX]

Women Are Evil By Nature...

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[awd-drifter]

An exhausted looking blond dragged herself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."
"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."
A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"
"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"
"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[Halon]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’

‘No’, he replies, ‘I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it.’

The intrigued woman says, ‘a state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’

The cowboy explains, ‘It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.’

The lady says, ‘What’s it telling you now?’

‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.’

The woman giggles and replies ‘Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties.’

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, ‘Damn thing’s an hour fast.’

[1ViciousGSX]

And that's how the fight started!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas
gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50
mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

________________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........

[1ViciousGSX]

ADULT TRUTHS:
　
1. Part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
　
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between
boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you
just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand
a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars
team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay
strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never
get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times
and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating
their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and
Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find
and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7
seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey
in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it
only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also
important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

[tpunx99GSX]

A very enlightening story, nice to see the Minnesota Court System can be effective!

Minnesota Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.


A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday
when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The
boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially
awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and
regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree
possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge
then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said
that they also beat him..

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Minnesota
Vikings, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

[tpunx99GSX]

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO ,
WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP
AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS,
AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS,
AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND
TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A
BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS
IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES
TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL,
I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY
SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO
ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE?
I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE.
I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER
EAR AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND
GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY..

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED
AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE
WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO .

[1ViciousGSX]

A Baptist Preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to OKLAHOMA .

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which
was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the
preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd
rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than
let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,


"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[goodhart]

May be a repost from somewhere, but I don't care. Too may good ones on here to post, so I'll just supply the link.

*** Edited for the right reasons and I'll leave it at that ***

LOL

[tpunx99GSX]

Got this in an email:


The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

[Project2G]

Thought I'd share some good humor with you all:

Ancient Proverbs:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

[goodhart]

^^Also, Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky fingers.

[tpunx99GSX]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,



What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[1ViciousGSX]

I was walking thur the park and saw this beautiful woman. In an instant there was a spark between us. She dropped to her knees at my feet. As we lay making love in the grass, I thought to myself....

Damn these tasers are well worth the money...

[tpunx99GSX]

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year
old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

[LingLing]

Originally Posted by tpunx99GSX

WHEN TO START CUSSING!

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year
old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing."
The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell
and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some
Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets
up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
Cheerios!"

LOL!!!! I read this joke and almost spewed pink lemonade all over myself.