Official Joke Thread!

[EclipseGST]

Three car guys are leaving a bar - a Camaro owner, a Mustang owner, and a DSMer. They spot a magic lamp in the parking lot and pick it up. The Camaro owners says, "I wish my Camaro ran tens." The genie says, "Granted," and the Camaro owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. The Mustang owner decides to go one better, "I wish my Mustang ran nines" The genie says, "Granted," and the Mustang owner vanishes in a cloud of smoke. Now the genie turns to the DSMer and asks him, "What is your wish, master?" The DSMer says, "I wanna be the fastest DSM in the world. I wish my 1G ran a four second quarter." The genie laughs out loud; "Your wish is ridiculous! Do not insult me!" Somewhat disappointed, the DSMer thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, genie. I wish my DSM was reliable and never broke down."
The genie replies "You want highfour seconds or low fourseconds?"

[HiImBrian]

hahahah I love it!

[INTRIGUED]

This made me chuckle a bit I had to share it.


What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?

A drunk drives through the stop sign; a stoner waits for it to turn green.

[1ViciousGSX]

A husband and wife are out playing golf. They tee off and one drive
goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club
and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second
shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her
golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't
like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be
able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you
will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows," shouts the husand.

The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE
BALL!!!!"

[1ViciousGSX]

Two ladies talking in Heaven:

1st Woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.

2nd Woman: Hi! I'm Kelly. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How horrible!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house. I ran up in the attic and searched, then down in the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere and finally I became so worked up and exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer - - - - - We'd both still be alive!

[JET]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,
and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[JET]

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen...




The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan yells back, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

[User Name]

Neighbor in the apartment next to a guy starts pounding on the wall as the music is so loud, the person with the loud music says "GO AROUND!!".

Pounding continues, he says "I don't know if you have a door over there, but if you want in you gotta use the one through the hallway!"



Oh and also, an escalator never becomes broken. It only becomes....STAIRS!! You never see one out of service



Thing that's depressing about tennis is that I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, those things are fucking relentless!




I used to be a hot-tar roofer...yeah....I remember that....day.

[1ViciousGSX]

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 P.M. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the T.V. The 10:00 P.M. news was coming on.

The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5:00 P.M. news and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

[JET]

I had to share!

Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, 'You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist but now you are a Catholic'.

Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, when again the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Bubba's yard clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."

[JET]

One more...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out
of the dealership.

Taking off down the road he accelerated to 80 mph, enjoying the wind

blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the Highway Patrol behind him,
blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He accelerated to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and
pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday.
If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before,
I'll let you go.

The old gentleman paused.

Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State trooper.
I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day, Sir,' replied the trooper

[1ViciousGSX]

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it
has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were
Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for
use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself
a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the
name of:
MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and
Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[1ViciousGSX]

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000 dollars?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000 dollars...; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man ... "Costs too much!"

[Alpha D]

Rolling on the Floor laughing my God!! I can barely breath! This would be an awesome way to have people learn how to read hahaha you are having fun doing it!

[goodhart]

Why are women so amazing?

Because they can produce milk and don't eat grass, they can bleed without having to be cut, and they can bury a bone faster than any dog in the neighborhood!

[96GST16g]

bob and marry are going to get married so marys father has the '' talk '' with bob and says ... on my honey moon i took off my pants and gave them to sally...( his wife ) and i said try them on... she does so and says i cant fit in them and i replied thats bc i wear the pants in the relation ship.... so bob on his honey moon says marry try on my pants and she does so and says they dont fit and bob replies thats bc i wear the pants in this relationship and she takes off her panties and said try these on bob does so and replies they dont fit and she said yea thats good bc you will never getin in them

[96GST16g]

lil andy and his grandpa are out fishing and grandpa cracks opena beer and starts to drink it, lil andy asks grandpa can i have a beer and the grandpa replys can you dick touch your asshole and andy replys no grandpa says then your not old enough and little bit later grandpa starts smokin a cigarret and andy asks can i have one and grand pa says again can your dick touch your ass hole and andy says no he says then your not old enough then andy starts eating oreos and grandpa asks can i have one andy says can your dick touch your ass hole n grandpa says sure as hell can andy says then fuck your self

[1ViciousGSX]

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[tpunx99GSX]

Bush's Clock must be being used as a blender.

Originally Posted by 1ViciousGSX

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,' said the man.

'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'

'Where's Barrack Obama's clock?' asked the man.
'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office.
He's using it as a ceiling fan.

[1ViciousGSX]

Barack Obama meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"



"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."



Obama frowns "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"



The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."



The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"



Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child.. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"



Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."



"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Obama goes back home to ask Joe Biden, his vice president, the same question.



"Joe. Answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"



"I'm not sure," says Biden. "Let me get back to you on that one." He goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.



Biden asks Powell, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"



Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"



Biden smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, he goes back to speak with Obama.



"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."



Obama gets up, stomps over to Biden, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"