Official Joke Thread!

[Talian]

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, you're It

2. Hide and go pee

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over

6. Musical recliners

7. Simon says something incoherent

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

[Talian]

Things to do at Wal-Mart while the person you came with is taking their sweet time.

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ..... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Talian]

Men Are Just Happier People because:

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park or no shirt most places.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You can play with toys all your life.
You never have to drive to another gas station it use the restroom because this one is just too gross.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat (very few exceptions).
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap (clothing malfunction) problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
Same work, more pay.

***Never menstruate -ages may very- ages 13 to 54 =41yrs x 12mo.= 492mo. lasting 4-11 days,
Products/ pain killers per mo. (cost will increase) 7+5+12=$24 per mo. x 492mo.= $11,808.00
($288yr *not tax deductible* & does not include chocolate)

***Never get pregnant -(9mo, crazy hormones, morning sick, 25lbs or more of baby, everything swollen,
walk like a duck, 5hrs to 72hrs+ labor w/possibility of c-section, stretch marks for life)
-then spend the rest of your life hoping the kids will call.

-Call your mom (mom's day 5/14)

[Talian]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing....

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?
He asks her. "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.
This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on his head."

[unreal808]

80% of gay men are born gay, the other 20% are sucked into it.

[Talian]

Dear Makers of Tide Detergent:

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have!
I've used it all of my married life, as my mom always told me it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

About a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse!
I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative and, to my surprise and satisfaction,
all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that
the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that
I was no longer a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. Have to write to the Hefty Bag people.

[Talian]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the
sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy black wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her
knees,leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

[AJ]

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

[Talian]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

Here is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other:

DANGEROUS:
What's for dinner?

SAFER:
Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST:
Where would you like to go for dinner?

ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS:
Are you wearing that?

SAFER:
Wow, you sure look good in brown!

SAFEST:
WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS:
What are you so worked up about?

SAFER:
Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST:
Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS:
Should you be eating that?

SAFER:
You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST:
Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS:
What did you do all day?

SAFER:
I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST:
I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE:
Here, have some more chocolate.

[Talian]

Another funny rant.

Dear Kotex,

I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:

- Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.

- Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.

- Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.

- Try Kotex blah blah blah other products.

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries. Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. See what happens and report back. I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggin-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on feminine hygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from their elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol.

Printing out shit advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and enough to send a girl running to the "Always" brand.

Mostly we'd like to forget that we even need these products. It's not a fun time, but DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smiley faces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging.

PUT THE SHIT IN A PLAIN BROWN WRAPPER SO WE CAN THROW IT IN OUR CARTS DISCREETLY AND HAVE IT BLEND IN AMONG THE WINE AND BEER!

There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store.

So take your tips for living and shove them right up your ass.

Ovarily Yours,
Miss PMS

[98gstaherns]

wow lol

[Talian]

Going home after a Girls’ night out ...

The other night a wowan was invited out for a night with "the girls". She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times. She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning her husband asked her what time she got in, and she told him "Midnight". He didn't seem pissed off at all. -Whew! Got away with that one!
Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When she asked him why, he said, "Well last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh shit", cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[AJ]

Bored? Here ya go.

Work safe, and should take up a good chunk of work time

http://funny2.com/facts.htm

[B-Unit]

Originally Posted by DSMStyle

Work safe, and should take up a good chunk of work time

http://funny2.com/facts.htm

damn straight took an hour and a half out of the work day here thanks man

[1ViciousGSX]

DR. PHIL:



The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.





OPRAH:


Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.





GEORGE W BUSH:


We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.





DONALD RUMSFELD:


Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite


image of the chicken crossing the road.





ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:


We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.





JOHN KERRY:


Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.





JUDGE JUDY:


That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.





PAT BUCHANAN:


To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.





MARTHA STEWART:


No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.





DR. SEUSS:


Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.





ERNEST HEMINGWAY:


To die in the rain. Alone.





JERRY FALWELL:


Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.





GRANDPA:


In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.





BARBARA WALTERS:


Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to


the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.





JOHN LENNON:


Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in


peace.





ARISTOTLE:


It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.





BILL GATES:


I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \... (reboot).





ALBERT EINSTEIN:


Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?





BILL CLINTON:


I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?





AL GORE:


I invented the chicken!





COLONEL SANDERS:


Did I miss one?

[98gstaherns]

Originally Posted by DSMStyle

Bored? Here ya go.

Work safe, and should take up a good chunk of work time

http://funny2.com/facts.htm

Going off of that this is good too!
http://funny2.com/hedberg.htm

[2.SlowES]

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

[2.SlowES]

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."

[Talian]

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness.

The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye, and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live."

O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character. He managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There, he saw his son who had been waiting. O'Malley said, "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer, and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints."

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad.
He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad. I though you said that you were dying from cancer??? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

O'Malley said, "I am dying of cancer, son. I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

[2.SlowES]

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."