Official Joke Thread!

[1ViciousGSX]

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the
verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved. He signed
up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a
score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?" The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% ofthe mark." The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."

[niterydr]

My manager at The Home Depot told me this one:

A young farmer and his wife just got married. There mode of transportation is a mule drawn carriage.

The journey to the farmers homestead is around 25 miles. About 10 miles into the trip, the carriage stops:
Wife: "What happened?"
young farmer: "The mule must have gotten tired, I'll go fix that."
So the farmer hops out of the carriage and proceeds to walk up to the mule, who is sitting on his rump. He squares off with the mule, points his finger at the mule's face and says "Thats one!"
Immediatly the mule stands back up, he goes back to the carriage, and they proceed down the road.

About 5 miles later, the carriage stops again.
Wife: "Hunny!"
Young farmer: "Damm mule, I'll take care of this!"
So once again the farmer hops out, walks up the the mule, and squares with him. Pointing his finger in his the mules's face, "Thats TWO!"
The mule gets up and they proceed down the road.
About a mile later, the carriage stops again.
wife: "This is getting annoying"
The young farmer, without a word, gets out of the carriage, walks to get back and gets something.
As he squares off with the mule, he points his gun and blows the mule's head clean off. "Thats three", he says as he puts the gun down.
Immediatly the wife screams at him. "What are you doing? How are we going to get home now? Why did you do that to the poor mule?"
He calmly walks up to the carriage, hops in, points his finger and says, "Thats one!"

[LightningGSX]

True story.

-An Indiana farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

[TheBlizzard]

Here is a few good jokes for you guys:

How do you know you're in a church that welcome homosexuals?
-Only half the congregation kneels and prays.

A blonde decided to rent her first porno. She went to the video store and picked out a tape that sound sexy and brought it home. Once at home she removed all her clothes and put the tape in the VCR. When nothing appeared on the screen except static she called the video store and complained saying "I just rented a porno from and theres nothing on the tape but static" The clerk said " Sorry about that, what movie is it?" The blonde replied "Head Cleaners."

Two guys were hiking up a mountain when they came upon some people bungee jumping. Once said to another, "how about it?" The other replied, "no way, I came into this world from a broken rubber and I am not leaving the same way."

A man walked into a sex shop and asked the clerk for a blow up doll. The clerk asked "christian or muslim?" The man said "whats the difference" the clerk repied "the muslim one blow her self up."

CRAIG

[AJ]

What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?





































The entire front row at an Ashlee Simpson concert.

[DSMPARTSGURU]

why did the cookie go to the doctor??????












HE WAS FEELING CRUMMY......

HAHAHA

[Raptor]

Wait, I get it! Hahahahaha, that is funny! Feeling Crummy! hahahahahahah!

[FattyBoomBatty]

so, this japanese guy jumps out of the closet and yells, "SUPLIES!"

[Onefast99gsx]

People around my area know how much I hate the current heat streak we're having here. Thought i would share this with you.



Just moved to Arizona! Now this is a state that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! It is

beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.



June 14th:



Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an

air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure

to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshipper.



June 30th:



Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus

and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for

me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.



July 10th:



The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get

used to this kind of heat? At least, it's kind of breezy, though.

But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.



July 15th:



Fell asleep by the community pool - got 3rd degree burns over 60% of

my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned

my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.



July 20th:



I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this

morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died

and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water

balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and *****. I learned my

lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol' Mr. Sun strikes

again.



July 25th:



The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's

hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC

repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order

parts.



July 30th:



Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now, $225,000 house

and I can't even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever

come here?



Aug. 4th:



It's 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It

cost $500 and only gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this

stupid state.



Aug. 8th:



If another wise *** cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to

strangle him. Damned heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator

is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked

cat!!



Aug. 9th:



Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on

the seats in the car, I thought my *** was on fire. My skin melted to

the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my

legs and *** ... Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ***, AND

baked cat.



Aug 10th:



The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do **** for 2

damned months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next

week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will

be next, so my $1,700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.



Aug. 14th:



Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the

car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you

today?" My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Bet

that glass man will never ask THAT question, again !!! Will write

later to let you know how my trial goes.

Freaking Arizona!!! What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to

live here in the summertime??? Now I know why all those old folks head

back up north every May!!!

[JET]

Australians are too funny.......
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P. Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Jacek]

Those aren't real, they are just jokes. The funny thing is that the log books have stupid shit like that all the time. Whats even worse is that the flight attendants get their own log books.. The jokes are great though

[INTRIGUED]

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

[Jakey]

A cowboy was herding cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a cloud of dust.



The driver, a young man in a YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bvlgari sunglasses and an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"



The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not."



The yuppie parks his car, whips out his dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area into a high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg Germany.



Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex calculations, then uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives a response.



Finally he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his hi tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."



"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.



He watches the young man select on of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.



Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says "Okay, why not?"



"You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign." the cowboy says.



"Wow, that's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you know?"



"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business.....



.....Now give me back my dog!"

[Jakey]

More proof that gasoline prices are out of control:

I pulled into a full service gas station today and asked for five dollars
worth of gas.
The guy farted, took my five and walked away.

[Jana]

There was this fellow who worked in a post office whose job was to process all mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about." So he opened it and read, "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse.

It had a hundred dollars in it which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Easter, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?" The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected 96 dollars, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done. Easter came and went, and a few days later came another letter from the old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

That read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to fix a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was 4 dollars missing.

It was no doubt those thieving bastards at the post office."

[unreal808]

Math joke.

[INTRIGUED]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him!

But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get SCREWED!

[dsmfanatic]

alright no offence to black people but.

there was a black guy at thebus station waiting for the bus and he really needed to take a shit, he doesnt want to leave because he might miss the bus so he takes it right where he was standing. a couple minutes later the bus comes by and the bus driver says to the man with the poop next to him " it will be 1 dollar for you and 50 cents for your little brother"

[joem]

"Drive-Through Banking"

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note
that this Bank is installing new Drive-through
teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested
to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful
research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have
been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."


"Male Drive-Through Banking Procedure"

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

















"Female Drive-Through Banking Procedure"

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount
to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call
them back and hang up

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to
machine due to its excessive distance from
the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with
your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet
and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and
place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder,
and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting
behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

[dsmfanatic]

lol