Official Joke Thread! - Page 17

**1ViciousGSX** · 03-30-2010

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts
and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

tehehodi · 03-31-2010

Lmao!!!!! that was good

**LingLing** · 03-31-2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1ViciousGSX

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy?
This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts
and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

Awesome!!!!

Matt D. · 03-31-2010

Anonymous source:

"After the recent Super Bowl victory of the New Orleans Saints, I noticed numerous bad jokes on the Internet by people defaming Cajuns as `not too smart'.
Let me state categorically that I completely disagree with that assessment.
Anybody who builds a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fills it with Democrats is a genius."

**cmspaz** · 03-31-2010

**Kracka** · 03-31-2010

Quote:

Originally Posted by Matt D.

Anybody who builds a city 10 feet below sea level in a hurricane zone and fills it with Democrats is a genius."

Nice!

twisted954 · 03-31-2010

Hahahahahahahahaha

1G_DSM · 04-05-2010

Today's word is: Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line..There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

**1ViciousGSX** · 04-06-2010

awd-drifter · 04-07-2010

lmao!! good one.

--------

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would
be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

**1ViciousGSX** · 04-09-2010

Read this on another forum and had to share:

While walking down the street one day, a Politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high ranking official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Politician.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the Politician answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Politician and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

**Kracka** · 04-09-2010

LOL thats good.

**1ViciousGSX** · 04-09-2010

Guy turns round to his wife and says "darling, I love you, I want you tell me something bittersweet, something both happy AND sad.."

she looks into his eyes.. thinks for a minute.. and says..

"Well, you've got a bigger dick than your brother.."

**1ViciousGSX** · 04-09-2010

a young man, joe, opens up a store in a strip mall. business is good and hes really making bank.. well, next thing you know a new business competitor opens up right next door to joe with a big sign that read: "BEST DEALS". the new store brings joe's prices down and really steals his thunder. next thing you know another competitor opens up on THE OTHER SIDE of joe's--with an even bigger sign that said "LOWEST PRICES". Joe starts to realize he's in a bit of a pickle and considers selling the store to make even-- THEN! a bright idea comes to joe-- he puts up the biggest sign of all: MAIN ENTRANCE.

**1ViciousGSX** · 04-14-2010

"Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist, an animal rights activist when the discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked, 'What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?’

Nugent replied, 'Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.'

The interview abruptly ended."

GG_9_SE · 04-14-2010

Ted Nugent = Win

**1ViciousGSX** · 04-20-2010

The Veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by
curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno '

**LingLing** · 04-20-2010

^^^ win!

spyder_dsm · 04-20-2010

here is one. don't know if this one been taken or not but here goes..

4 guys working in a factory, 1 asian guy, 1 black guy, 1 mexican guy, and 1 white guy. The white guy was the supervisor of the three and wanted the black guy to sort up all the boxes on the shelf, then he wanted the mexican guy to clean, and wanted the asian guy to go down stairs to the basement and get more supplies, because they wanted to get ready for the big boss inspection the next day. So they all went and do there own thing. Hours pass and they didn't see the asian guy come back with any supplies. The white supervisor went and ask the black guy to see if he seen the asian guy and the black guy reply no, he then went and ask the mexican cleaner and he to said no.. Hours pass by again and it was the last minute of the long 10 hour day for them. All of them came in the lunch room to punch out and the white supervisor ask the other two guys if they seen the asian guy and they both said no again and punched out. Then the supervisor begin to wonder if the asian guy quit or not or just left home for the day. The next day came around and the big boss was there to inspect the place and every thing checked out good but there was no extra supplies.. So he got mad and told the white supervisor that they did a bad job with putting up new supplies like he order and the boss himself will have to go and get the supplies to restock himself. So the boss went down stairs turns on the light and out of no where the asian guy jumps out of a dark corner yelling supplies, supplies....

**LingLing** · 04-23-2010

Biggest Pee Pee

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play,‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’".
"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called ‘Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."