Official Joke Thread!

[1ViciousGSX]

^^ ^^

[1ViciousGSX]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation, and went home on sick leave.

[LingLing]

^^^^

[goodhart]

Originally Posted by spyder_dsm

here is one. don't know if this one been taken or not but here goes..

4 guys working in a factory, 1 asian guy, 1 black guy, 1 mexican guy, and 1 white guy. The white guy was the supervisor of the three and wanted the black guy to sort up all the boxes on the shelf, then he wanted the mexican guy to clean, and wanted the asian guy to go down stairs to the basement and get more supplies, because they wanted to get ready for the big boss inspection the next day. So they all went and do there own thing. Hours pass and they didn't see the asian guy come back with any supplies. The white supervisor went and ask the black guy to see if he seen the asian guy and the black guy reply no, he then went and ask the mexican cleaner and he to said no.. Hours pass by again and it was the last minute of the long 10 hour day for them. All of them came in the lunch room to punch out and the white supervisor ask the other two guys if they seen the asian guy and they both said no again and punched out. Then the supervisor begin to wonder if the asian guy quit or not or just left home for the day. The next day came around and the big boss was there to inspect the place and every thing checked out good but there was no extra supplies.. So he got mad and told the white supervisor that they did a bad job with putting up new supplies like he order and the boss himself will have to go and get the supplies to restock himself. So the boss went down stairs turns on the light and out of no where the asian guy jumps out of a dark corner yelling supplies, supplies....

[1ViciousGSX]

Baptist Upbringing!!

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them..

Recalling my old pastor, Brother Mike, who always admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out, reach out and touch this person.



So I did, and my wife reached out and touched me.



I won't be at church this week ..

[1ViciousGSX]

FIRST TIME SEX .............


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic but he has never had sex before so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down.
10 minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was the pharmacist.'

[Matt D.]

WALK NAKED IN AMERICA DAY

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked; and if he does, he must commit suicide. So next Saturday at 1 PM Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America !

[cmspaz]

^^^ Matt D, you just won this thread.

[goodhart]

Spaz quit kissing ass.

[Kracka]

LOL thats pretty good Matt

[LingLing]

That's awesome Matt.

[goodhart]

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror --make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower. Use wash cloth , long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash .
Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Rinse off.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas..

-------------------------------------------------------------------------





HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the woo-woo sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
Pee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
Admire wiener size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.

[LingLing]

^^LMFAO^^

This one's a link because it's long. It is work safe, no naughty pictures and no audio.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_dec20...eCarWrecks.htm

[tehehodi]

LMAO, I like that shower one

[1ViciousGSX]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take out the valves, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1.5 million) when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

[1ViciousGSX]

The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.

When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.

Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

[98gstaherns]

Two anti american protesters were boarding a flight from london one had the window seat and the other had the center seat. The aisle seat had a U.S marine in the seat heading back to the states, after they take off the marine kicks off his shoes to relax. A few hours into the flight the man at the window seat said he needed to get out to get a coke. The marine said "No no sit ill grab it for you." So the marine gets up goes to the back of the plane to get a coke. As he is doing so The protester grabs one of the marines shoes and spits in it. When the marine gets back the man in the center seat says "man that looks good will you get me one?" the marine smiles and say "Sure." As he goes back to grab the coke the other man spits in his other shoe. The marine returns and give him his coke, then sits back down to enjoy the rest of the flight. The plane then lands and the marine puts on his shoes and he immediately feels the spit in his shoes. He rolls his eyes and look at the two men and says " Why Do we have to be so hostile to each other, Spit in shoes and piss in cokes?"

[awd-drifter]

4 Catholic men and a Catholic Woman

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh, My God."

[Constant_Project21]

I actually had tears come to my eyes, when laughing at the guy section of the shower joke LMFAO..hahaha. Why? Because its pretty god damn true hahahaha.

[1ViciousGSX]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, “You must be single.”
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”























































The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly.”