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Old 11-01-2003   #1
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Official Joke Thread!

Grandma & grandpa are sitting on the porch enjoying a cool summer breeze when grandma turns to grandpa and punches him dead in the mouth and knocks him right off the porch. Grandpa picks himself up and dust himself off while asking "Damn woman, what the hell was that for?". Grandma looks over at him and says "That was for having a small penis!" Grandpa sits back down on the porch and says nothing for a few minutes. Then he looks over at grandma and punches her so hard in the face she falls backwards out of her rocker. Startled, grandma gets up and ask "What the hell was that for?". Grandpa answers "That was for knowing they come in different sizes!" :P :bounce: :P
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Old 11-01-2003   #2
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A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John" letter
from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between
us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice,
since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I am sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky

The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his
buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:

Dear Becky,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take
your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
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Old 11-01-2003   #3
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BEDROOM FOOTBALL
An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie
score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressure is on the old man.
He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the **** was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."
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Old 11-01-2003   #4
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OMG those are hilarious!!!
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Old 11-01-2003   #5
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:bounce: :P :bounce:
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"You don't have a clue. You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance."

When she get's bitchy, SPANK THAT ASS!
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Old 11-01-2003   #6
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LOL those are great! Fart football was awesome but gross. :P
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Old 11-01-2003   #7
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Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza House . May I have your..."

Customer: "Haloo, can I order.."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number
first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold on......6102049998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr. Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan
Kayu.
Your home number is 4094 2366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is
014
266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure
and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokier Mea Pizza.You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokier Dishes" from
the
National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family sized ones then, how
much
will that cost?

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total
is $
49.99

Customer: "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is
over the limit and you're owing your bank $3720.55 since October last
year"

Operator : "That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing
loan Sir.

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighborhood ATM and withdraw
Some
cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records,you've reached your
daily
limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready.
How
long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come
and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer: " What !"

Operator : "According to the details in system, you own a
Scooter,...registration number E1123..."

Customer: " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987
You
were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman...

Customer: [Speechless]

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles
of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also
diabetic.......
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Old 11-01-2003   #8
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Blondes vs. Brunettes
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of
them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them
with white knuckles. The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're
having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says,

"YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"
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Old 11-01-2003   #9
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LET THE WOMEN DO IT!

Take all American women who are within five years of menopause, train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources.

We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help! Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain. I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!
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Old 11-01-2003   #10
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At a doctors convenyion in Switzerland,A conversation was taking place in a tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture.
A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one person and put it in another, and have him looking for work in 5 weeks."

A German doctor said "Thats nothing! IN germany, We could take a lung out of one person, Put it in another and have them looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor said, "In my country, Medicine is so advanced that we could take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in 2 weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "hah! We can take an A**HOLE out of Arkansas, Put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!!"
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Old 11-01-2003   #11
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The Tragic Results of a Man Not Listening to a Woman. Or Why Don't Men Quit While They Are Ahead?
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of using the men's room. Each time he tried the door it was occupied. The stewardess , awareof his predicament, sugested he use the ladies room, But caustioned him against pressing any of the buttons. The buttons were marked "WW","WA","PP", and "ATR".

Making the fateful mistake so many men in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, The man let his curiousity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediatly warm water sprayed over his entire bottom. He thought, Golly the girls really have it made. Still curious, He pressed the button marked "WA", and warm air dried his bottom quickly. He thought, That was out of this world. The button "PP", Yielded a large powder puff which powdered his bottom lightly with powder. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".

When he woke up in the hospital, He panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, He cried out, What happened? "The last thing I remember was in the ladies' room aboard a plane". The nurse Replied, "Yes, You were having a great time until you pressed the button "ATR", Which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your peni* is under your pillow.
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Old 11-01-2003   #12
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NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they
will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will
affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will
each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None
of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually
admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket
calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.

CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and
she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get
the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She
knows about dentist appointments and romances, best
friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and
dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
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Old 11-01-2003   #13
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Three friends all died and went to heaven at the same time. Saint Peter
meet them at the gates and said to one of them "welcome to Heaven! here
is your reward." after saying that Saint Peter immediately handcuffed
him to a extremely unattractive woman. "Saint Peter! why is this my
heavenly reward?" the man asked?
Saint Peter replied, "when you were five you killed a bird with a
stone." Saint Peter then turned to the next guy and did the exact same
thing for the exact same reason. He was asked the same question and
answered the same. finally he turned to the third guy and said, "Welcome
to Heaven! Here is your reward." the third man was immediately
handcuffed to a beautiful girl. extremely happy the man walked off. the
other two men, who had stuck around to see what their friends fate was,
were outraged. "How come he gets a beautiful girl and were stuck with
these? We can name a few things that he did that were worse than ours!"
Saint Peter said, "When she was five she killed a bird with a stone."
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Old 11-01-2003   #14
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An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost".
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Old 11-01-2003   #15
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Some Blonde jokes for non-blondes to enjoy!!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A: Thanks Guys.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's *** ?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
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Old 11-01-2003   #16
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A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love" she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
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Old 11-01-2003   #17
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DAMN, Allan must have taken his Geritol today :razz2:
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When she get's bitchy, SPANK THAT ASS!
(#Y#)
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Old 11-04-2003   #18
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Hey guys, did ya'll know that Sears is having a sale called,
'The Michael Jackson Sale'?.....yea, all little boys' pants half off
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"You don't have a clue. You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance."

When she get's bitchy, SPANK THAT ASS!
(#Y#)
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Old 11-04-2003   #19
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How can you tell the difference between a blonde male and a blonde female?

The female has a higher sperm count.
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Old 11-04-2003   #20
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HAHAHAHAHA
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"You don't have a clue. You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance."

When she get's bitchy, SPANK THAT ASS!
(#Y#)
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